Have posted this on my forums, but no one has answered. Have also contacted Dolce & Gabanna direct, but still no answer. I am DESPERATE to get my hands on the black rosary beads they do! Harvey Nichols in town did have them and I decided I was going to go and get them last Tuesday, but went in and couldn't find them and was told they had gone into the sale and none left! I could have cried! Now I thought I would just search the net and find some, but as my computer is feeling uber sensitive right now I cannot search without crashing Internet Explorer. SOOOOO...if anyone lives near anywhere that stocks Dolce & Gabanna accessories - would you be willing to go and check for me? OR...if you are bored could you possibly have a little net search for me? I HAAAAVE to get my hands on them and would appreciate any help at all...

Am still not feeling well at all, have spoken to Mum, she is on her way to get me, so I am going to stay at hers for a while, well until I feel human again.

Well, one good thing...I wanted to lose weight, maybe not in such a drastic way, but hey!

Am REALLY not well...am going hot and cold...have a headache...am scared to move from the bathroom...stomach is making very odd noises and I AM NEVER eating Chinese food again!!!

Have done nothing all day...sat around house, changed bed covers and got them washed, cooked myself some pasta, sent out for pizza for dinner, had a nose round the net, applied for a whole bunch of jobs online and didn't do much else.

Really stuffed up the diet though...the food I have eaten today is disgusting! 3 crisp sandwiches for breakfast, HUGE plate of pasta (it was enough for 2 and I am not joking), half a big bag of Doritos Latinos, half a big bag of Sensations Poppadums, medium Texas BBQ pizza from Dominos, some Bursting Bug sweets, pack of Fruit Tellas, tin of spaghetti hoops, another 3 crisp sandwiches...and I am STILL looking for more food! It REALLY is disgusting! I am going to start keeping a food diary (possibly on here) to disgust myself into cutting down and losing weight. I know all this eating is just because I am bored right now, completely stuck in a rut, stressed out etc...all thanks to the situation I am in right now.

Have been thinking about emailing or phoning Gina, my old boss from a couple of years ago (email would probably be better as it would get straight to her, no chance of Fiona answering the call and then gossiping!) to ask if I could go back to Iron Mountain as a temp for a while, as she said she would take me back when I handed in my notice and I am getting THAT desperate! BUT then I keep thinking that I hated it, was getting really stressed out etc...I wouldn't have so much travelling (could possibly even get the train!), but I still don't know. Have been thinking about it for a couple of months now, I know for a fact the one girl who made me life hell in there has now gone (she was one of the reasons I REALLY hated the job!) so I wouldn't have her to deal with, but the other one I don't like (the really bitchy woman who needs to grow up and really should know better) is still there, but I would just ignore her and her two-faced-ness. The only thing is I know she would look at me going back as me being a failure and she would use it against me I know she would. If I don't hear from any of the agencies tomorrow I may just write that email or make that phonecall. I don't want to, but at least I would know what I was letting myself in for where the job is concerned, would be able to have a laugh with Graham, Joe, Conor and them on email and phone and I would finally be making some money...well if the bank don't decide to claim it first! I just keep thinking that I was there for over 2 years and mostly it was 2 happy years and I haven't really been happy in any job since (well, apart from HBOS, but that was a piss take and we got away with murder!) and it would probably do me until I could get down to London (Duncan get your finger out of your ass and get Meltdown going I need the job you promised me!), but then this is if there are any vacancies right now. If anyone has any advice on this I would be very grateful if you could post it here...

Also realised today (this will post as Wednesday, but I am meaning Tuesday) that I have had my website for over a year now and am still no further forward with it. Well, actually I am, the forums are up and running, but that's it! It really is shocking. I *know* I can do it, but it is making myself sit down and do it that's the problem. I know the way I want it to look etc, but getting it to look that way is going to be a problem and getting everything working properly is going to be another one. Considering I know absolutely zip about web design...why oh why oh why did I get this mad idea of building and running a website??? AND...now that he knows about it I am going to have to friggen do it! ARGH!!! Never mind...

Ooooooh, oooooh, oooooh, ooooooh, oooooh I also got a letter from Leanna in South Africa this morning. She is doing fine, wanting to know any gossip from over here (MY MY I have a lot to tell her, she knows near to nothing about Mr Inglis), telling me all about her studies over there, where she is living and the animals she sees on a daily basis. I am quite jealous really, elephants, lions, hyena's etc in your back garden, but I know it's probably not as good as it sounds. Well, her getting stung by a baby scorpion kind of proves that. Will definitely need to sit down and write a letter (more likely to be a novel though) to her and get it sent off later this week. I really miss her and although we can still write and text it's just not the same. I miss going out with her at weekends, going out Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday night and still going to work on the Monday morning, quite possibly still drunk but making it! Miss us going to get tattoos together, miss going round to hers just for a quick visit, but then sitting there chatting all night, all silly little things, but I miss them and I know she would tell me what the right thing to do regarding Mr Inglis is...she would talk sense into me.

Anyway, now that I am babbling again I am going to go to my bed...for another sleepless night. Thank you very much RBOS...

Scuse me!

So much for the diet...have just polished off a medium Texas BBQ pizza from Dominos and I thoroughly bloody enjoyed it! Have also had nothing but junk food today (with the excpetion of a BIG plateful of pasta for lunch), so stuff the diet! I know it's because I am feeling sorry for myself and am stressed and pissed off. All thanks to the bank and me having no money and no job (didn't get an interview for the one at Baillie Gifford, but apparently they are VERY picky and only took one CV out of four - stuff them I am too good for them! *cackles*) for the very near future...*sobs*

Well, I managed to piss Linzi off yesterday as well. Had to tell her that I can't go to the Uni Ball. Over the weekend I decided I really didn't want to go, couldn't afford to get anything new to wear so was going to have to look like shit and knew I wouldn't enjoy it anyway because it is a Ceilidh (anyone who really knows me know I hate everything Scottish and Ceilidh is my idea of HELL), but then my wages went missing and I found out that I couldn't actually afford the £45 for the ticket and the £15 for the limo! So...had to phone her last night and tell her, she wasn't amused, but was kinda understanding about it, which she had to be, there is nothing I can do about the money situation right now. I know it's a once in a lifetime thing, but it's not my type of thing, I think I would be left on my own for a good part of the night as I would only know 3 people there and basically know deep down I wouldn't enjoy it. BUT one good thing - I can actually eat this week and not worry about looking like I am with child on Sunday!

This is to cheer myself up...it always makes me giggle...



PAAAAAAAAAAANTS!!! He sooooo must have been able to look up my skirt and see my lady garden when he was sat on the floor and I was standing over him...*blushes* Blesssssss...that was the night he was being MUCHO flirty - stroking my legs, lots of kisses, lots of cuddles...

Have I mentioned recently that I love him?

That's where my wages appear to have gone...not at all amused and am going to take RBOS the whole way this time. It's their f*cking fault I am in this state financially (didn't want an overdraft, fought it and got it reduced from £700 to £400 and am now in such a state...thanks to them), they are charging me £30 a go anytime anything goes wrong with my account and so far I think I have paid out £2000 in bank charges since this time last year and I am not going to put up with it any longer! F*CKWITS!!! Am definitely changing to Nationwide...if I can, my financial history is going to be so shite thanks to RBOS that I might not be able to get another bank/building society account...and my credit history will now also be completely f*cked...GREAT!

Bit of a weird day really...finally got myself showered and dressed after 3pm and my cousin called just as I had got myself dressed, wanting to meet in town, go for something to eat and go shopping. So I explained that it would be window shopping for me as I still haven't got my wages (God knows where they have gone then! Over £400 has gone missing somewhere - NOT AMUSED!), so she said, like last night all of it would be on her, so as I had to go and get my car anyway I agreed to it. Well...I am wishing I hadn't! She shops in places I can only dream of shopping in! We went into Hobbs, Jigsaw and LK Bennett and I fell in love with a bag in Hobbs and may have to go back and get it when I do finally get money, but I don't know if I can justify spending £100 on a handbag! It was STUNNING though - it was purple and soooooooooo beautiful! I am so jealous though, she managed to spend about £300 on 4 items - 2 tops (one in Jigsaw, one in Hobbs) and a pair of trousers and a pair of shoes in LK Bennett! I would LOVE to be able to go out and spend that amount and NOT worry about it or feel guilty about it! Mind I was REALLY glad we went to places like Hobbs and Jigsaw as they are not my type of shops and I didn't see anything I liked apart from a top in Hobbs and of course the handbag...which I may have to go back for when I find out where my money has gone. Tell me what you think of pretty bag...have found picture of it and have just found out they also do it in baby pink (a la pic), so if I decide to purchase I will also have the baby pink/purple dilemma!
www.hobbs.co.uk/pix/sty209 - if it doesn't work it's the 'Jane' bag.

Am actually really worried my cards have been copied, I apparently have over £400 available on my Visa and it won't work for cash or when it's swiped, which is REALLY worrying, so God knows why that isn't working! Then my Switch card account apparently had over £400 paid into it on the 25th, still doesn't work - just tells me I have £0 available! Which just can't be possible! I know I am going to have to contact the bank to find out why, but I hate my bank with a passion and am not looking forward to doing it as I always end up losing the plot with the incompetant people who work there. Which reminds me I want to change banks...RBOS have fucked up too many times now and if this turns out to be their fault this time then hell may just break loose! I have been tempted to report them to the Banking Ombudsman so many times because of their mistakes - this time it may just happen!

OMG Mark Owen on the TV!!! That reminds me...I didn't mention it on here, but FUNNY FUNNY moment last Sunday at Live and Loud...To fill you in I was a MASSIVE Take That fan when I was about 13 and LOVED Mark Owen to bits and always wanted to meet him, but never did anything to actually try to meet him. Well, he was appearing at Live and Loud last week and I didn't think anything of it, had forgotten actually, until my friend called me to see where I was and when I told her she screamed 'OH MY GOD YOU MIGHT SEE MARK OWEN!' at me, but I still didn't think it was very likely...well...walking back up the stairs from the stage to the dressing room after Blue had performed and there is this teeeeeeny guy in a red jacket and a hat walking towards me - Mark Owen. Well, I wanted to grab Dunc's arm, jump up and down and scream 'OH MY GOD IT'S MARK OWEN!' while pointing at him, but I stayed cool and calm and just said 'Hello' as I walked past him and said 'Good Luck' to him too. It was SUCH a moment, I was with Dunc and I met my childhood idol thanks to him. It was amazing! Mark Owen is sooooo tiny though, he says he is 5ft7 but I REALLY doubt he is, I am about 5ft6 and he seemed smaller than me, but he is sooooooo cute, doesn't have a wrinkle on his face and, ah well, it was just brilliant! A little weird as I was with Dunc, but hey it was still fab! Oh yeah, and don't get me started on the Britney 'Everytime' moment...Dunc and I got into the back of the Chrysler at Hampden Park and 'Everytime' started on the radio and I have always loved the lyrics of that song, they have always made me think of someone and hearing it then was strange, as the person who it makes me think of was sat next to me.

OH DEARIE ME...*giggles*

your bitch.


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PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAASSSSSSEEE??? This time last week I was with my man. I want to be with him...*sobs* I just want to cuddle him or sit and hold his hand again...

Instead I have to get showered, dressed, get a bus across to my Cousin's and get Harry the Honda...I soooooo don't want to go, but I have to because I need to go food shopping and as a treat I am stopping at SubWay on the way back and am getting a Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sub (foot long) and then I am coming home to do ALL the housework, ALL the washing etc to work it all off...I REALLY need to lose weight not put it on! Says her who is sitting eating a crisp sandwich yet again...*sighs* And drinking chocolate milk...

Went out last night (technically last night anyway - I am meaning Saturday night) with my Cousin, all was going well, we went for a lovely meal and then on to a club...next time I get this idea someone remind me it is a bad one and I won't enjoy it! I am clearly getting old, but give me a nice pub, quiet-ish bar with good company and good conversation anyday!

The club was a nightmare! Was okay to begin with, well, until the hen parties all descended on the place anyway! Was just the type of place I used to like going to until they all arrived. It was cheesy music (70's, 80's, 90's, but not much recent crap) and real singalong stuff, which was brilliant, just what we were both looking for, but then it all of a sudden got REALLY busy and crowded, like WAAAY too crowded. I know clubs are meant to be busy, but this was unbearable and it was far too hot as well...and to add insult to injury we had guys chatting us up who were old enough to be our fathers! AND I wasn't interested at all so I was just plain ignoring them! OH GOD I also had a boy racer, ned type try to chat me up too, who looked about 16, told me he was 21, tried to tell me he was a pilot, thought I was a lawyer for some unknown reason, had faaaaar too much hair gel in his hair and was far too pissed, but kept doing the wank gesture at me - LOVELY! *sarcasm* If he had done the blow job one I think I would have knocked him clean out but never mind...poor wee boy he'll learn one of these days. Why are guys sooooooooo lovely nowadays??? I mean I honestly don't mind talking to Duncan about his cock or my boobs, but if a guy comes up to me and makes a comment about either piece of anatomy and I just want to knock them out! Do they really think it impresses females???

Anyway, we left there pretty soon after it turned into a game of sardines and went back to her house and had a chat about life, her travels to Australia, our family over there, love life etc...and she asked me who is going to be next after Duncan. ERM...HELLO NO ONE...HEART IS SET...SOULMATE HAS BEEN FOUND!!! I didn't get grumpy and shout and whine, which I would normally do when someone says something to me that I don't like, I just explained calmly that Duncan and I get along very well, explained to her about Sunday (kidnap) and luckily that topic of conversation ended there...I was meant to be staying at her house tonight, but dappy cow that I am managed to leave my nightime insulin sitting on my bed when it really should have been in my rucksack, so had to get a Taxi from hers to mine and I am going back round for Harry the Honda later today...in fact that's a point...bedtime for me...Rant is over...

Between Duncan and I!!! She is coming with me next time, is going to get one of his hands, one of mine, make us face each other and she is going to say 'Right, she loves you. You love her. Now, will the two of you just get it on!!!' *giggles* Bless her. Thing is I think we both know it (well, I know for a fact I do), but neither of us want to say anything right now.

Anyway, I couldn't get on here last night for love nor money, so this update might be a bit of a long one (sorry). Shall start with yesterday...

After I posted on here yesterday I thought more and more about that Dundas & Wilson job and just got angrier and angrier! I worked my arse off for them, was happy, was smiley and friendly when I was bored out of my mind, hating the job and was resorting to thinking rude Duncan thoughts to get me through it (most involved him naked, endless supplies of nice food, hot tubs and the one I was most proud of my mind for thinking up - shagging against the bonnet of a silver X5 in the pouring rain! Thank you my mind...when it goes off on one it REALLY goes off on one!), I was dressed smartly for them and if I hadn't been smart enough for them (which I certainly was! People were wearing kinda casual tops with trousers and I was wearing my smart blouses and trousers!) then why wasn't it mentioned to me on the first day? I don't know why it is bothering me so much, as I hated it, totally hated it! The people were weird (with the exception of Hayley, who is lovely and I would have liked to have seen her again to hear all about her new baby etc...), there was a strange atmosphere in the place, they were clearly breaking the law where breaks were concerned...and I will stop now before this ends up being a full scale rant!

Ohhhh, before I forget, LushFemke - cheers for the job link, had a nosey at it last night. Unfortunately it isn't suitable though, they are looking for an exec with experience, so clearly not me! It is exactly the sort of thing I want to do though, but am going to have to work my way there. Good thing is though, I should be able to get contact details for them somehow and I can contact them about any other vacancies they may have, work experience etc...so a HUGE thank you for letting me know, I really appreciate it.

Well, I had another day of thought about Mr Inglis as someone said the following to me earlier 'Would you have a one night stand with him? Surely it would be better than nothing?' Now as this came from one of my friends I am quite worried than none of my friends really know me at all. I am not a one night stand girl at all! I have had one before and felt so awful after it I vowed I would never do it again. EVER! AND...definitely not with Dunc. Even before I met him and got to know him I wouldn't have had a one night stand with him, would have turned him down if he had asked and would have told him why. I could NEVER go to see him again if it was a one night stand as it would feel very weird (for me anyway), I have too much respect for myself to just jump into bed with a guy, I hate sex without feelings (yes, this coming from her who had a bootie call buddy for a while...he is no more as of Sunday as I have realised my feelings for someone else and it was all getting too much and wasn't fair on my bootie call buddy.) and would have told him all this and now I would also add that I really have feelings for him and just couldn't, basically relationship or nothing! I wouldn't want to throw away everything we have, as it is something really special on one night of sex. I just couldn't anyway...and thinking about it I doubt he could either, things have gone too far between us both now.

Anyway, only thing that really happened today was finding out my Uni Ball outfit looks bloody awful on me! Was at Linzi's and we were talking about it - it's next week - ARGH! Talking about what we were wearing when I remembered my corset and skirt were in the car, so decided to take them into hers and show her it on. Well, I put it on and looked in the mirror - it looked fine straight on, but then I turned sideways...I looked at least 3 months gone! It honestly made me look pregnant! So bad my best friend asked me if I was! I could cry, I really could. It's just over a week away, I haven't got the time or the money to get anything else and I look pregnant in what I have...*sobs* The thing is I am hoping that I was just bloated, but I doubt it is. Maybe I should just do what I did to have the perfect flat stomach on Sunday and not eat all day (this could be why Dunc was shouting at me to eat...but he didn't know I suppose...) and hopefully not look pregnant! Ho hum...

This is scarily accurate...



I DOOOOOO bite!!! But it is all a certain someone's fault as to why I now bite! *giggles*

Well, Jill from the agency called this morning and said that after all Dundas & Wilson didn't want me back. Not bothered at all, I bloody hated it. Anyway, she was asking me all about it as apparently she is going to send someone else there, so I told her that in my opinion I thought it was more of an Office Junior position and explained to her all they had me doing. I also said that I didn't feel I fitted in at all, that hardly anyone spoke other than to ask work related questions. She also mentioned dress code to me, now THIS did surprise me...apparently I wasn't dressed smartly enough!!! I was in the Mailroom and in the Printroom, fucking photocopying all day - what did they want a SUIT?!?!? So I explained to Jill that on my first day I wore exactly the same as I wore the day I went in to register with the agency, my fitted pastel blouse, smart black trousers and my black boots - certainly not bloody casual at all! Then on my second day I wore another pair of smart black trousers, my black boots and a black blouse. I cannot believe this wasn't smart enough for them! I was dressed smarter than a lot of people in there. She also couldn't understand why this wasn't smart enough for them, but never mind. Glad to be out of there. We agreed that they are weird and a bit stuck in their ways...so bloody true!

Anyway, she is putting my details across for a permanent job! With Baillie Gifford, as an HR/Admin person. It's mainly Admin and sounds alright, but I don't know if I'll get it. It's starting salary of £13 - £14k, is a bit closer to home and apparently has really good benefits! I am just not too sure about HR - I want to do PR not HR! Ah well, it would be a stop gap until I can get to London. *winks*

London...yes, London I hear you all say! YES LONDON! I was speaking to Dunc about jobs and what I want to do with my life and he told me he thinks I would be brilliant as a Tour Manager when I told him I wanted to get into the Music Industry. He also said I would be brilliant at PR as well and I should contact Record Companies, Music Management Companies etc to find out about vacancies/work experience etc...and I am going to take his advice and go for it. He has possibly just given me the confidence and kick up the arse I needed to go ahead and do it. I also spoke to him about his TV company...*winks*

Okay, another agency I am registered with has just called and offered me a job starting tomorrow, but I am not taking it. It's a legal firm and it's phone work. I told them I couldn't start tomorrow, so she is calling them to find out if they could hold on until Friday and she is going to call me back. Is it wrong that I have now unplugged the house phone and switched my mobile off? I am not wanting to work for another legal company after this week. There is no way!

Have decided to go back to my happy thoughts tonight after my shitty day...sooooo for your viewing pleasure...I took some pics of my passes (well, technically Dunc's passes *giggles*) from Sunday...

My Laminate (well, HIS but you know what I mean!)


And his wristband that he gave me going back to the Airport.

Funniest thing is the wristband clearly states that it is not valid without a laminate! *giggles* Bless him...

One of the pics I managed to take from the pit...


And another that we have nicknamed the 'Have I left the gas on?' pic.


I still can't believe how amazing Sunday was. Just hope he didn't get into trouble kidnapping me and taking me with them! I don't think he will have as Johnny (their Tour Manager) was in the car with us and heard the conversations we were having, so must know we are friends. I get along with Johnny anyway, always have always will me thinks, as he is the loveliest Tour Manager I have ever met! And he seemed quite happy for me to be there on Sunday, didn't kick me out of the dressing room or anything when he could have! Also kept asking me if I was okay...okay I am going to stop worrying about Duncan getting into trouble...he soooo wouldn't have!

It's really weird though, I now know bad stuff about Duncan and still love him. Everybody keeps telling me this is the point of love - Loving the good and bad things about someone and although I was disappointed when I heard him say it (it's nothing THAT bad, but it is not going on here...let's just say it's not something I expected from him) my next thought was then 'No I still love you.' I can safely say I have found my soulmate. He made me feel so special on Sunday, fussed over me (was making me go into Hospitality/Catering whatever you want to call it and was trying to force me to eat, but I couldn't...), kept making sure I was okay and just kept giving me smiles and oh I don't know, just little things. Although he was also burping at me at one point (I just looked at him and said 'Oooooh now that's attractive!) which was just lovely! Also I HAVE turned him into a boob man! Don't know if this is on an earlier entry on here, but I was running about like an idiot backstage (because I saw our local DJ and HAD to introduce myself as I hounded him something awful to try to get backstage last year at Live & Loud, so I just HAD to tell him I was there on Duncan's pass this year!) and I then ran, skipped whatever back over to Dunc and he was BLATENTLY watching my boobs, so I grabbed them as I got to him and said 'I know, I REALLY shouldn't run!' Now any normal guy would probably get embarrassed by this - NOT HIM. He just stood there and grinned at me! Mind it's only fair, I have a fascination with a part of his body and have the odd look, so its only fair I suppose!

It's mad though, thinking about it all. This time last year I didn't know Dunc, I did fancy him, but didn't think he would like me if we ever met. Then we met and now I know soooo much about him. No, we know so much about each other! It's weird thinking about it. Maybe I should stop thinking about it, am missing him again and I don't know when I am going to see him again and I hate it!

Phoned the agency this morning and spoke to the Consultant about the break thing as it was really annoying me and she was not impressed that I hadn't been allowed to take a break, when I am legally entitled to one (after working 4 hours, or if you are working 4 hours or more, you are entitled to a 15-20 min break) so she said she was going to call them and sort it out. I also mentioned the work was not what I expected it to be, but I would see it out until the end of the assignment as she had promised to find me something else and mentioned the whole standing on my feet for the whole shift and she was a bit shocked about it all, but said she would get back to me.

Anyway, went into work, went through hell yet again. I soooo don't fit in in that place, I am too lively and bubbly and they are all suits with massive sticks up their arses! All prim and proper and hardly speak! Only person I had a decent conversation with was Hayley and that was only 10 minutes before she was leaving and half an hour before I left. Was basically another day of photocopying, running about with mail etc...asking if there was anything else I could do as there seemed to be nothing to do.

Soooo, got out of there at 5.45 and decided that since the vagina doctor was on the same street and I needed to get my Depo Provera done again this week sometime, I went in and got it done. Had a massive wait though and didn't get out of there until 6.45, but if it means I am not going to have painful periods I REALLY don't mind waiting an hour and getting a huge needle stuck in my hip. Anyway, came out of there and i had 2 missed calls on my phone and a new voice message, from the Consultant at the agency, saying that Dundas & Wilson were ending the contract and I wasn't going to go back tomorrow, but I was to give her a call, either on her mobile tonight or in the office tomorrow. I decided to phone her straight away, expecting a bollocking for some reason, but she was as confused about it all as I was. She just said they didn't think I was suitable, didn't think I thought the job was what it was (they got that one right!), that I wasn't prepared to use the phone (I was prepared to use the phone, but when someone only gives you information of 'Dial **5 and tell them it's account Dun2' - would you be prepared to make the phonecall, not knowing where you are phoning or why??? I don't think so!), so I explained to her that the job wasn't what I was expecting, but I felt I was doing it to the best of my ability. Wasn't sitting around twiddling my thumbs, was mucking in and asking for things to do and that when I left tonight everyone had said 'See you tomorrow' to me, which was why her call came as such a surprise. She was really confused by this point and said that she had spoken to someone in HR about it and I have never even met this person so God knows what is going on, which caused even more confusion, so the Consultant is phoning them tomorrow to find out what the hell is going on and to find out if they want me back tomorrow or not. Basically they will know what it is like to want if they do...the Consultant is fine about everything that has happened and is desperately trying to find me something else.

So much for telling you guys more about Sunday eh??? Hmmmm...maybe later...when I have calmed down...

And go back to Sunday? I am missing him like mad, was so happy on Sunday because I was with him and could get a cuddle when I wanted one. *cries* I really love him, it hurts so much when I am not with him. Okay will babble about him later (and put more about Sunday), right now it's going to be a bitch about the agency again...

The job I started yesterday is AWFUL! They are basically looking for an Office Junior in my opinion and I am sorry but I have far too much experience to be stuck in an Office Junior position! I am absolutely livid about it as well, was really looking forward to it, sounded really good, really busy and like I would really enjoy it. Well, yesterday was the longest five hours of my life! All I was doing was, well I was given a tour of where I am meant to collect mail from (now this place is a fucking maze - so this isn't going to happen!), was weighing and chucking mail in a sack and photocopying! Mainly it was photocopying though. Now I said to the agency I CANNOT take a job which is constantly on my feet and what has happened??? Five fucking hours on my feet! AND incidentally no fucking break either! *eeee can you tell I have been with Dunc recently, my swearing is getting bad again* I came out of the place and was REALLY angry! I was in agony with my hips and back. I keep looking at it the way of it's only until the 7th July, but I honestly don't think I can cope until then. I don't want to go back today it's that bad. I don't think I am needed as there seems to be loads of people in the Mailroom and the Printroom and I seem to be a spare part! Will see how it goes today, but am going to look into Employment Laws about breaks though as I am sure working 5 hours you are entitled to at least a 15 min break. I may be wrong, but I am sure it's something like that. Another thing is, they are weird people - no one speaks! Now photocopying all day would be better if you could get a bit of a banter going in the office, or a radio to listen to or something, but no, they all appear to have big sticks up their arses! Damned Solicitors! Damned Agencies!

One nice thing though, Hayley, that I worked with a couple of years ago at Iron Mountain, works there! She does the storage for them, so is just down the office a bit, so it was lovely seeing her again and we got to catch up a bit. If only she was a bit nearer I could chat to her and keep myself going...never mind...better go and get ready I suppose...

Would much rather go to Egypt with Duncan next week, but never mind...

Went to the Airport to see Duncan fly in for Live & Loud and was hoping to get to spend a little time with him (minutes at most, but long enough to tell him). Well, he came through the Airport and no one recognised him apart from me as they had all mobbed Lee and I got to walk through with him, although he was talking on his phone and got straight into the Chrysler and said he would see me later, so I got straight on to the phone to one of my friends to grump about him and he called me over to the Chrysler and said 'Get in and chat to me babe.' Soooooo I am sitting in the car with him, Lee's girlfriend and Shelina one of their dancers, chatting to all of them, next thing the door is closed, Johnny gets in the front and we are moving! Cue Chrissi giving Duncan a bit of a 'What the hell do I do now?' look. He then starts laughing and starts kicking me really playfully and grinning says 'Okay you might as well stay then.' hands me his laminate pass and says 'You'll need this.' It was hilarious! Johnny then turned round and noticed that there was more people in the car than there should be and just smiled at me when he noticed the pass round my neck. I am NEVER going to forget Johnny's look! Mind I should have known he was going to kidnap me - he did hint at it...'So you car's parked here, you're leaving your car here?' WHY didn't my brain click??? I think the bugger had it planned!

Soooooo...I ended up backstage with them at Live & Loud!!! Well, really with him as he was like my bloody shadow, but I am not complaining! I thought I was getting to spend minutes with him, but actually got to spend 3 hours with him!!! Got to sit in the dressing room (I have seen Lee in his pants - he dropped the jeans right in front of me!), had to help Maarrit do Ant's hair and just had a fab time with my babe. Got to walk down to the stage with them all (we were filmed at that point so it may be on TV), got to watch them from the photography pit - Duncan and I had another moment then! He noticed me straight away when he came on stage and started playing up, then about 2 or 3 songs in he jumped off the stage and someone handed him a pink feather boa and he skipped across to me and wrapped it round me! This moment ended up on both of the screens and may also end up on TV, which would be fab! Oh there is SOOOOO much more, but I don't know how to get it into words right now. I am still really hyper right now and really happy.

Anyway, important stuff, I didn't get a chance to tell him as I couldn't get him on his own, but I think it's obvious we have feelings for each other. I have NEVER known of any singer/entertainer to do what he did today. Someone said earlier 'Oh he must have wanted to spend time with you to do that.' and I hadn't thought of it that way but it made me think and they could be right. He was like my shadow when we got to Hampden and it was amazing! He even shouted at me because I wouldn't eat anything! 'You have to eat babe, eat something!' Bless...but I just couldn't eat anything!

Okay there will be more over the next couple of days, but I need to get some stuff done tonight. One thing was sorted out today though - *I* know for definite that I love him.

*giggles* All will be explained later...*winks*

Okay I don't think I am going to tell him that I love him. YET. I think telling him that I love him would scare him slightly, so I am intending to tell him that I have very strong feelings for him and that I have never felt this way about anyone before and hope that he gets the hint, which he should do. I just hope it doesn't all go wrong and I lose him as a friend. Am hoping to get him on his own, take his hands and tell him how I feel. Am going to try to tell him everything in that earlier entry (which isn't going to happen!) or at least as much as I can.

Anyway, I am now all goddess-ified. Had a Honey Bee bath (minging bloody thing that it is - it's bloody useless - fizzed slightly then sat on the bottom of the bath looking at me, as if it was saying 'What should I do now?' and as for the mud bits and jaggy bits that were left in my bath - ouch!!! We have a new biting ballistic girls - this one nips your arse when you move in the bath - NOT NICE), defuzzed my whole body (no longer got a furry muff...*giggles* Hey that's a point, we haven't had a muff topic for a while.) and buffy-d the bits that required it (most of my body then!) and now feel like a goddess, am all smooth and lovely. Just gotta make myself look like one tomorrow now.

My outfit for tomorrow is currently my FCUK sporty vest that says 'All Original Features, Viewing By Appointment Only' and my ripped and patchy jeans and my Nike trainers, but this may change tomorrow morning. I may go for something a bit more girly. I would love to wear my Gina sandals, but I really don't want to fall over in front of him as I would never hear the end of it. They look gorgeous though and we know he likes my feet in high, strappy sandals (kissing my feet in Madrid...) and I can walk in them quite easily. ARGH I don't know - soooo many decisions to make!!! I definitely have to do nice make up tomorrow though, after his comments in Madrid Airport 'You look really pretty today. Have you got make up on because you look really pretty today.' BLESSSSS HIM!!! For those of you who have been told he made me cry in Madrid - that was why. This is why they were happy tears, he made me sooooo happy at that moment and all I could think about was saying bye to him at Heathrow and how much I didn't want to let him go...